Reflecting on Death and Life

This week marks the 1 year anniversary of Dave’s crossing over. 

I’ve sat down to write multiple times over the last few days and nothing has really been coming forth. I feel some internal pressure to publicly post about him, and about my experience over the last year. Mainly because #1 I love talking about Dave when given the opportunity, and #2 I think this is a wonderful platform to connect with and help others in some way through sharing my experience, and that supports my healing process in a big way too. Although in this case, sometimes it feels silly trying to convey how I feel through words, because they barely begin to scratch the surface of the story that my heart wants to tell.

I’ll try anyway.

I never understood why people honored and recognized lost loved ones on the anniversary date of their death.  Birthdays seemed more important, we should be celebrating their life, right?  Why would you want to remember their death? But upon this one year anniversary, I’m beginning to understand. 

Over the last few days I’ve been flooded with memories of this time last year.  Reliving the memories of receiving the call to come to the hospital, waiting all night and into the morning with uncertainty and helplessness in the ICU waiting room, speaking with multiple nurses, making lots of phone calls, mentally preparing myself for the worst, getting the word from the doctors they’ve done everything they can to keep his body alive but it’s just getting worse, tearfully accepting it, holding his hand as his heart beat for the last time, being surrounded by loved ones, holding space & being held, feeling devastated/relieved/angry/abundant/full of love all at once, sorting through his belongings with his parents, planning his celebration of life, writing up a eulogy I didn’t think I’d have to write for decades, making new beautiful friends, learning about the countless lives Dave had a major impact on, feeling inspired & empowered to somehow continue his legacy, sitting in ceremony, just wanting to lie in bed all day, screaming and crying in my car, and wondering how life was ever going to be “normal” again.  

Talking about death is so taboo.  Yet, death is an inevitable and vital part of life.  It’s a major transition for all, and it asks to be honored and reflected upon. A death anniversary feels like an important time to allow space for these feelings, emotions and memories to come back up to the surface. It’s a lot to unpack, and even a year later (or 50 years later), there is always room for more processing and integrating of this event into the never ending unfolding story of our lives. 

I think just allowing space for this, even without necessarily trying to make more intellectual sense of it, is enough to support our ongoing evolution and healing process.  I had an intimate gathering at my home this weekend, just to talk, love on Dave and on each other, and allow this space. It was epic.

I suppose we also commemorate the death anniversary because it’s the last (and potentially the most profound) impact that a person has on us, for better or worse.  An impact that transpires either from the way the fatality happened, or a certain ripple effect caused by the disappearance of the person from our lives…or in Dave’s case, both.

It truly is the start of a new chapter; a rebirth/birthday of its own kind. I can honestly say that Dave’s death and the aftermath of it was (and will continue to be) as equally as profound for me as the experiences of transformation I shared with him when he was alive.

It marked the date of my becoming the sole leader and decision maker of Soul Palace.  It’s the date I lost my best friend. The date I lost my creative companion. The date beginning my path towards sovereignty.  The friendshipversaries of many people I connected deeply with for the first time, and the start of even deeper friendships with those already formed.  It was the date of a new “normal.”  A more empathetic, more patient, more present, less hasty, more intentional, more aware, stronger, kinder, softer way of living.  Despite the circumstances, in this date I find gratitude.  It’s forced me to shift into a person that I’m proud of, and into a person I know Dave would be proud of, too.

Other random memories from our time together have been popping up in my mind.  Mostly happy, some painful, all deeply beautiful.  Some of you may recall in my blog post from last November, I mentioned that a phrase frequented under my breath had become “Damnit, Dave.”  As I’ve let go of the future memories we won’t share together, it has recently transitioned into “I miss you, Dave.”

I just miss him. I just want him around.  I just wanna cuddle. I just wanna lay on his sheepskin rug under the stars and dream up our future.  I just wanna be in awe of his being. I just wanna casually eavesdrop on him talking to some stranger about his new radical theory about the meaning of existence and how everything that is happening to us is for our highest benefit.

That is one thing I will hold on to, thanks to him: Pronoia: “Describes a state of mind that is the opposite of paranoia. Whereas a person suffering from paranoia feels that persons or entities are conspiring against them, a person experiencing pronoia feels that the world around them conspires to do them good.”

I know he would want me to take and make the best from this situation and hold out for the deeper meaning of it all - and trust that the most potent blessings are in the hardest lessons. It could take the rest of my life or beyond, but I know it will be worth the journey.

xox Bailey

A special message for you (yeah YOU), from Dave:

“There is such wonder awaiting you. There are so many beautiful adventures and so much magic yet to be. Can you keep your heart open to what is coming towards you, without surrendering your experience of this moment by becoming too future oriented? You see, there is magic in this moment too. There is something arising within you, out of the depths of your being. In this process there is a shift in environment both internal and external. A fertility is being stimulated.

This is your time to play with that fertility. To conceive, create and embark upon the process of transformation with an open heart and mind. You may not know where it is all going to lead. All you need to know is that it will be wonderful and exactly, perfectly, what is needed. Beyond that, allow the energy of fertile growth and abundance that now flow so naturally and richly within you and around you, simply to be.

You are a big soul and with that often comes big dreams. You might worry that you want too much out of life. Perhaps you think that you are only capable of small dreams. This oracle is guiding you to remember that there are stages of creation. A house cannot be built without the flooring. No matter how beautiful the stained glass windows you plan to install are, the walls need to be up first! Your big life dreams are a work in progress. Just like you.

If you have been working on healing something within you, started a new creative project or just taken on a new job or relationship and feel that although you are getting some results, you are impatient for more, doubt that you can continue or ever find the “zone” or become proficient in the situation at hand, then this oracle comes as a reinforcement. You are doing well! That which is worthwhile takes time to build. Celebrate each success, even the small ones. You are creating something of worth. Be patient, keep going and trust.

This oracle comes with a special message. You have recently completed a cycle or level of manifestation and are transitioning into the next level of experience. Like a big fish leaving the small pond and feeling like a rather small fish in a bigger pond, there will be some “getting used to it” time needed as you find your way. This will add to what you have already done and bring valuable expansion to your realization of your abilities as well as many new relationships and opportunities to help you go further on your journey. What you are in the process of creating will benefit from this stage of your process. Whether your creation is simply your sacred life path, a particular creative work, or an actual child, there is a positive and constructive energy that is unfolding for you now, to boost this process and carry you further along the way. Do you dare to dream and to believe in your dream until it manifests? Even if nay-sayers challenge you? Of course you do, sacred rebel!

This oracle brings you guidance. You are going to attract whatever is needed to complete your work in progress and bring it to fruition. Remain open to receive and trust in the unfolding of your life experiences. Do not turn away. All of the necessary elements are coming together. Allow this integration to occur so that you can manifest your dreams.”*

~ Alana Fairchild, Power of Attraction, Sacred Rebels Oracle